Endings

Finishing a book is usually, for me, bittersweet; I am glad to have finished the thing and seen the story whole, but I am also sad to say goodbye forever to the characters, the newness, the barreling-along that reading a book is.

Today, I finished Little, Big John Crowley's fantasy masterpiece. I first saw it in Powell's: Lord Byron's Novel: The Evening Land, another book by Crowley, caught my eye, but I passed it over. I went on to check out other books, and the jacket blurb of one mentioned how it reminded him of Little, Big by John Crowley. Having just looked at a Crowley book I felt compelled to go back and see if they had this one. They did, a single copy. The cover is gorgeous, a sepia-toned photograph of a young woman holding a birdcage, standing on a path that leads to a monstrous house. It felt good in my hands. I held it and continued my book-hunt.

Ready to purchase, I had to decide between that and Neil Gaiman's Anansi Boys. Choosing the Gaiman book, I handed Little, Big to my then-girlfriend to reshelve and got in line for the register. I waited for a few moments and then something in me turned all the way around and I dashed out of the line, passing my now-ex on the stairs, giving her a look of ridiculous helplessness.

Finishing that book today, I was left breathless and tearful, considering my own life, how every moment is gone and never never happens again, which is a shame since some of it can be so goddamn beautiful, and decided to take a walk.

I went through a nearby park, reading the carved hearts on the trees, looking at everyone walking by. I was listening to music, the sun was setting, and I wanted to tell everyone that they were beautiful.

I felt Little, I felt Big.



finishing little, big and then taking a long walk through a beautiful landscape, reading devotions and watching the sun set, listening to music and thinking of my loves (past, present, and future), of my parents, my sister, of my friends and how our lives intersect, of how shit-they're-not-kidding, this is the only life i've got: *****